mADNESS, aND mORE
by DarkHand27
Summary: Fma and Harry Potter Crossover. VERY FUNNY. Harry fails to learn how to apparate, and his limbs end up in Ed’s hands... So now you know what I do when I'm bored.
1. BlOBs

A/N: Just a random thing I thought up of in my head… Randomness is good…

So anyways, this fanfic is a Fullmetal Alchemist and Harry Potter crossover where the characters are so out of character it's… well, it's **supposed** to be funny, but being the horrible fanfic writing that I am, you never know.

Okay! Here's chapter one!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, or Harry Potter. It belongs to JK Rowling and some Japanese dude whose name starts with and H… and an I… and an R… Okay I'll shut up now.

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"I GIVE UP!" Ed yelled to nobody in particular. "GOT IT? I DON'T NEED A STUPID PINK STONE TO DO MY JOB."

"What are you talking about?" Al asked, still shocked by his brother's outburst. He scratched his metal head that had no hair for no reason at all. "The philosopher's stone is red you idiot! NOT PINK. I HATE PINK. PINK IS THE EVIL COLOR OF… PIGS!"

The people in the streets just stared…

"I AM A GOD! BWAHAHAHAA!" Ed continued his meaningless yelling and screaming until Al had to drag him back to the headquarters, by the collar. As the two passed the colonel, one muttering about random things that the evil authoress of this story made him say, and the other screaming about pink pigs, Mustang shook his head and said, "They've finally cracked."

Moments later the colonel started obsessing over a stray dog that had the fortune to pee on his head. Don't ask how.

When Ed and Al finally reached their room, Ed got up and drew a large random blob on the floor with chalk. Al watched his brother fill up the blob with some squares, pentagons, circles, more blobs, birds, flowers, a sun, and some random objects that have no name in this world and never shall. When Ed was finally done, Al got up, threw a piece of gray chalk at him and yelled, "Fill it in with gray! Or else I'll stuff your face in a big, big, bowl of MILK!"

"WHY GRAY?"

"Because it's the best color in the world, and I'm completely covered in it! EVEN MY SHINY HEAD!"

Ed did as he was told, constantly glancing at Al and his gray, shiny head/helmet, and the bucket full of milk that had appeared out of nowhere in his hands.

Al assessed the blob when it was done, and then said in a confused voice, "So uh… Why'd you go create a gray blob filled with random objects?"

"I'm going to transmute myself some arms! GWAHAHAHAHAA!"

"You can't do that!"

"And why not?"

Al waved his arms around like crazy, gesturing at the blob. "IT'S NOT EVEN SYMMETRICAL!"

"So? I'm a prodigy. Everything I do _works_."

"EXCEPT YOUR HEIGHT! AND THAT FREAKY HOMUNCULUS WOMEN WE MADE!"

"…" A small, very small, moment of silence follows.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP SO PUNY HE THINKS A HYDROGEN MOLECULE WEIGHS A ZILLION POUNDS?"

"I never said that." Al whined.

"But you meant it. Didn't you? Didn't you? AHA! Your eyes blinked! YOU MEANT IT!" Ed yelled in a slightly crazed voice.

"Ed… I can't blink."

"WHO CARES?"

Al gave up arguing with his brother and watched silently as Ed approached the transmutation blob circle thing. "It's not going to work…"

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Harry concentrated on the hoop in front of him. He imagined himself there, and attempted to apparate.

It didn't work.

He tried again.

It didn't work.

He tried again.

It didn't work.

"DAMMIT! BLOODY HELL! WHATEVER! I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO APPARATE! AARGH!" Harry yelled in the frustration that the evil authoress of this story fed to him.

He tried again. _CRACK!_

It worked, sorta. Kinda… Not really.

"EEEEEP!" Hermione screamed when she saw Harry's body in the hoop. At least, his _incomplete_ body at the time. Harry just rolled around screaming, and foaming at the mouth, of course. Ron ran over to him, looked at him, and started screaming also. Everybody followed suite like the obedient bunch of wizards/witches they were.

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Before Ed could place his hands on the transmutation blob thing, they heard a large _CRACK! _And something appeared in front of them.

To Al, it was a bloody arm and leg.

To Ed, it was… _JACKPOT!_

To Harry, it was… GIVE ME THEM BACK… NOW!

Ed ran towards it excitedly and held up the limbs proudly. "Told ya so!"

"I am so glad I've lost the ability to throw up." Al moaned.

Ed stood there, crouched over the detached, bloody limbs and murmured, "My precious…"

After a few moments, Al looked at him and asked, "So uh… what do we do now? It'll start rotting soon you know."

"I can use alchemy to sew them own, duh!" Ed said, placing his hands down onto the floor to mimic the process. He _accidentally_ triggered the transmutation blob circle thing.

Soon they found themselves being attacked by the giant cuckoo of their nightmare.

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A/N: So, this is where I end, for now. PLEASE REVIEW!


	2. THe cUckOo

A/N: HERE'S CHAPTER 2! Beware, Harry Fangirls! evil gleam

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After everyone had finally stopped screaming, they stared at Harry rolling around the ground, frothing at the mouth a rabid monkey, or camel. They weren't sure which one. It wasn't until Hermione had the sense to get Madame Pomfrey that the others started screaming again to cause a scene. Apparently, they succeeded, for Peeves soon joined the mess, gleefully swinging around Filch's cat by the tail. (Al: NOOOO!)

Madam Pomfrey ran into the room, and kicked Harry in the face by accident.

"Blegh…," moaned Harry.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Pomfrey said, not feeling sorry at all.

"Blegh…," moaned Harry in agreement.

"OMG. Your limbs are missing!" said Pomfrey in wonder.

"BLEGH!" moaned Harry loudly.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Blegh…," moaned Harry.

"Where'd your arms go?"

"Blegh blegh blegh blegh blegh blegh!" moaned Harry as he tried to explain. "Blegh blegh BLEGH!"

"Right. Well, we'll just have to carry you into the infirmary," chirped Pomfrey happily. She gingerly attached a piece of twine around Harry's neck and dragged him away.

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"Oooo. Big cuckoo…,"squeaked Ed. He held the limbs away from it protectively.

"How is _that_ a cuckoo? It buzzes!" yelled Al frantically. He waved his huge metal arms around to make the point.

"Ooooo. Big buzzing cuckoo…" Ed stared in wonder.

"IT'S NOT A CUCKOO! IT'S MADE OUT OF METAL!"

"I know, Al. I was just messing with ya," said Ed with a grin. He walked over to its huge wheels (Me: Yes. Wheels. Can you guess what it is?), took out a marker, and wrote the word 'cuckoo' on it. "NOW it's a cuckoo."

"Forget it," resigned Al. _At least it's not pink…_

"AAAAAAH!" They heard a woman scream from within the cuckoo, and the buzzing stopped.

Al gasped and said, "It ate somebody…"

"It can't eat anybody! It's made out of metal!" snorted Ed. He looked at Al as if he himself wasn't the idiot holding the bloody limbs.

"You're arm is made out of metal," whined Al, "and you eat _everything_."

"It's not metal," snorted Ed, "It's… er… just made out of a cold and hard and gray material and…"

"IT'S MADE OUT OF METAL NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!" Al screamed. He wanted to make a point again, so this time he took off his head and shook it in front of Ed's face. He figured it would make more of an impact. Then, as he set his it back on his shoulder, he decided to wave his arms again, just in case.

"…Do you wanna see who it is?" asked Al tentatively after a moment of silence. He didn't need to ask, for the person randomly stopped screaming and jumped out of the cuckoo. And, you guess it, it was…

"Popcorn chicken," said Ed.

"What?" asked Al.

"Never mind."

Ahem. It was… AMELIA EARHART!

"Dude."

"Look! She's talking!" whispered Al.

Ed looked at the woman and addressed her, "Who are you and where in the world of baloney do you come from?"

"Well, little dude, I am like, Amelia Earhart, and I like, like to fly, and like, I come like, from, like, the U, like SA, like… like!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING 'LITTLE DUDE'?"

"Sorry, like. I'll, like, call you, like, little DUDETTE."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A GIRL, YOU IDIOT PERSON FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT?"

Amelia blinked slowly and then stared. "Dude! YOU LIKE HAVE LIKE AN ARM LIKE AND A LEG! I MEAN YOU'RE ALL LIKE HOLDING IT LIKE!"

Ed said slowly, "Yea…"

"AND YOU!" She pointed at Al. "YOU'RE ALL LIKE A MEDIEVAL CORNDOG LIKE!"

"That may be so, but as long as I'm not pink, I'm fine! AND WHAT IN HELL IS A FREAKIN' CORNDOG?" yelled Al.

"Humans aren't pink, they're just peachy." Argued Ed.

"AAAAAH! THE PEACHINESS!" Ed and Al stared at Amelia after her outburst.

"Oh nothing, just continue," she said, waving them away.

"Look! Salmon!" yelled Al.

"Where?" Ed jumped up excitedly.

"…"

"Where?"

"…"

"Tell me where?"

"Made you look." Said Al, laughing his head off. And I mean, literally.

"Dudes! The detached like limbs are all like, DECOMPOSING!" Amelia yelled. They all looked at the limbs, which were exactly as she had described them.

"What's this?" Ed pulled out something long from the arm.

" I think it's an artery…" Al said in a choked voice.

"Oh." Said Ed, and put it back where he had found it. Al turned away quickly. There was a hint of green in his armored head that was wonderfully bald, impossible as it was. Ed took the arm and leg and threw it into a random refrigerator next to them.

"That was awesome dudes. But GUESS WHAT?"

"Hm?"

Amelia proudly took out a package of pocky and shoved it into a random person's mouth, which just happened to be… Envy. Everyone was silent for a moment, and Envy just stood there looking around blankly with a crapload of pocky in his mouth. He somehow swallowed it all.

"YOU! WHY ARE YOU HERE?" screamed Ed hysterically, "WAIT! I KNOW! YOU ARE IMPERSONATING A… LLAMA!"

Al shuddered and whispered, "llama man…"

Envy stood there for a second until the pocky finally reached his stomach. His eyes widened and his mouth curved into an insane grin. "SWEETHEARTS!"

Ed blinked in the most confused manner he could and said, "Eh?"

"ME WANNA GO… POOOOO… PEEEE…!"

"Do ya like the pocky, man?" Amelia asked. Envy looked at her and said, "PEE PEE."

Then he looked at Al and said, "POO PEE."

Then he looked at Ed and said, "Little pee."

"WHAT DID YOU--" Ed went on and on and on until he couldn't go on any longer, for Envy's full attention was turned onto a bag of skittles that was randomly placed there on the floor.

Al turned slowly and looked at Amelia. He said in a very, very, VERY scared voice, "What exactly is this _pocky_?"

Amelia smiled proudly and said, "You eat, you go high!"

Envy sat in the middle of the room, cackling to himself, pulling out his hair, and acting like a baboon. All at the same time.

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A/N: BWAHAHAHA! ENVY IS HIGH! …Anyways, please review this very random story, and I'm here to tell you (warn you) that the transmutation blob thing had a couple of other… side effects. Well, I'll try to update soon, and so you'll review, right? Cause I won't update if nobody reviews.

Envy: (staring at you with insane smile) HEEHEE.


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